


Equius Zahhak versus the Consumables Repository

by Teacup_Tempest



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Meowrails, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2013-10-11
Packaged: 2017-12-29 03:39:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1000430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teacup_Tempest/pseuds/Teacup_Tempest





	Equius Zahhak versus the Consumables Repository

Equius ran over the checklist in his head one final time while he steeled his nerves.

1\. Nepeta (Check, her attempts to drag him forward bodily being ignored)  
2\. Protective Headgear (Check, firmly attached to item 1)  
3\. Protective Eyewear (Check, though a bit cracked)  
4\. Plan of Attack (Check, though given that it was in the possession of item 1 he wasn’t sure the lists contents could continue to be accurately trusted)  
5\. Patience (Insufficient for the task at hand, but it would have to suffice)

"Hurry up Slowpoke!" Nepeta, giving up on moving him forward, had already dashed ahead while Equius attempted to ready himself for the ordeal to come. Normally Equius would refuse outright to do this, it was beneath his dignity as a b100 b100d. However, after Aurthour had an unfortunate accident involving flying robot parts and a flight of stairs that put him out of commission, Equius could no longer ignore certain pressing matters. Namely, the refrigerator was empty.  
In a completely calm and professional way that in no way resembled "dragging his feet" Equius marched into the consumables repository after Nepeta. After a quick argument on the subject of who would push the cart that ended with three shelves knocked over, eighteen pedestrians injured, and one casualty by defenestration Equius agreed to let Nepeta “lead the hunt.”  
The produce section was the first stop and quickly proved somewhat problematic. The only proper way to gauge the worthiness of the fruits was to squeeze them, but Equius was fairly certain that exploding was not the proper sign of ripeness. Eventually he settled for taking whatever managed to survive being very, very, carefully brought to the cart by hand. He had never really tried coconut, but it looked like he would soon become very familiar with it. At least he noticed the herbs before Nepeta did, and was able to distract her before she saw the mint. Nepeta could be downright mean when she was on the ‘nip, and somehow inevitably managed to find a karaoke machine. Despite the fact neither of them possessed one. She wasn’t bad, Nepeta was a pretty serviceable slam poet when she entered “the zone”, Equius simply wished her work wasn’t quite so...e%plicit. 

“Nepeta, I will not eat that.”  
“But, look! You can still smell the blood and everything! That’s how you can tell its furresh!”  
“No.”  
Nepeta put the twitching package in the cart anyway.  
“Fine, your loss.”  
“ Is the Huntress buying her kills now?”  
“No, silly, YOU’RE buying it.”

The dry goods section was no better with Equius insisted that Nepeta remain by the cart and keep track of their battle plans, and Nepeta completely ignored said list and throwing items into and out of the cart in a manner that was completely inscrutable to all but herself. Somehow they managed to survive the frozen food section and the exceedingly awkward PDA of what appeared to be a newly formed kissmesis. Nepeta was swooning over how romantic the carnage was, but Equius just found the rolling heads and rivers of blood tacky for such a public setting. They simply grabbed their frozen grubloaf and Equius tried very hard not to roll his eyes while the cerulean blood cursed her partner’s ancestors hundreds of generations back.  
Equius had begun to understand why Nepeta preferred to just hunt down her own food herself as he finally elbowed his way to the checkout lines and accessed his options. The first register was being manned by a bored looking teal-blooded troll who seemed to be of the opinion that he was not paid enough to deal with the hysterical troll at the front of the line who was yelling. Something about his arm being torn off by a steroid junkie on a produce induced rampage. Not wanting to wait for the cashier to get bored and use the katana he had beneath the register for customer complaints, he decided to try his luck at the other register manned by a suspiciously perky mustard blood. He realized his mistake when her eyes focused in on him from several feet away. Her eyes shining with the frenzied intensity of those few mad souls willingly drawn to customer service. 

“HI! Did you find everything okay!” she practically shouted bouncing lightly from foot to foot.  
It was only then that Equius realized that he had forgotten number 6 on the list.

6\. Money (The Opposite of Check)

He turned towards the overly cheery cashier, but something must have tipped her off to his destitute state and he barely managed to dodge the waffle iron that was aimed squarely between his horns. He hadn’t even realized appliancekind was a possible specibus. Nepeta already had her claws out when she witnessed her morail being assaulted by their cashier. She pounced on the cashier with an equally manic grin of her own and what ensued was surely the greatest food based fracas in the history of paradox space.

“Well that was fun!” Nepeta exclaimed as the last support beam of the former store fell to the ground with a dull thud.  
“You should give purr Aurthour a break and do the shopping yourself more often!”  
Equius was never going shopping again as long as he lived.


End file.
